Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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