Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
