On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
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The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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