I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
