I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
