I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
