i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
