Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
