Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
