It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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