So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
