i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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