Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
