filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
