I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
