I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
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In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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