I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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