My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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