Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
