if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
