Your face is a jimmy john
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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