Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
