haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.