what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
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Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.