So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
