she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
