ya dads aren't the best wingmen
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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