I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
