Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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