So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
