How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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