Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
