its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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