what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
