Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I checked into jail on foursquare
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
