I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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