i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
