Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
