its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
