Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
