Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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