The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
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No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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