this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
