I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
