I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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