I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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