Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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