Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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