Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
