The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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