Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
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I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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