I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
