Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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