the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
