she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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