I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
