I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
