every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
