I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
