so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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