drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
